I smile through everything at the masjid

I have taught boys in Bursa for fifty years, but some mornings I still feel like the smallest boy on the schoolyard. At the masjid I sit in the back row by the radiator, straighten my coat, smile and say a quick aleykum, and nobody sees the weight in my chest. I catch myself laughing at a joke after maghrib, then checking my phone because my daughter left a message on read. I fold my prayer mat the way I always have and pretend everything is light. I am asking for dua, please, that Allah ease this heaviness and grant light and patience in my heart. Have you carried this and prayed for it too?