Why do I keep telling myself "I’ll repent later"?

I keep telling myself I'll repent later, once I am less angry, less selfish, a better man. On the tram across the Erasmus Bridge after maghrib I open a note on my phone called 'tawbah' and close it. At fajr I stand in the kitchen, kettle hissing, and promise to start tomorrow. I still remember the certainty sujood gave me when I reverted, how it felt like coming home. But the delay is growing, and the pause itself is starting to frighten me, like I'm inventing a waiting room for mercy. Has anyone else been stuck wanting to improve first but afraid that the waiting is a trap, not a step?