I learned the motions, now I'm quietly lost

My grandmother showed me how to fold my hands and where to put my forehead. I could do the movements before I could read a full sentence. Now, years later, I pray in my tiny Lahore kitchen with a chipped cup of chai on the counter while the children rush out for the school bus, and it feels like acting. I line up the rakats by habit, the words come out smooth, but I have no idea how to mean them. I teach patience and small miracles at school, and I am ashamed to tell my students I am this confused. Has anyone else been here? How did you begin to find the feeling again?