I tell myself I'll repent when I'm better

I keep telling myself I will repent once I am a better person first, and the delay itself has started to frighten me. I am Jamila, born in Kabul, and some nights I stand in my small kitchen at fajr, tea steaming, and promise Allah I will fix my impatience before I kneel. Other times I catch myself composing a long apology in my head on the bus, then leaving it on read. It feels like I'm waiting for permission from a version of myself that never arrives. Has anyone else done this, and how did you finally take the first step toward repentance?